Virgil

Into The Lion's Den

Jon Stewart is going to host the Oscars?
Excellent.
The only person I'd rather see do it would be Steve Coogan as Alan Partridge.

It should be a good show, and instructive for conservatives, who assume that he only makes fun of Republicans, and will probably be pleasantly surprised to see him mocking godless lefty actors, some of whom may even take hilarious offense, like Sean Penn nobly yet pointlessly defending Jude Law from Chris Rock.

Speaking of Coogan, there was a rumor flying around recently that he'd managed to impregnate Courtney Love, which I found deeply disturbing for reasons I can only dimly comprehend.

I hope it's not true. Not because I think either of them shouldn't be able to have a weird old time if they choose, but I do have some concerns about Courtney's maternal instincts, which seem, to put it mildly, non-existent to the point of anti-matter.

You Say You Want A Resolution

I'm glad to see the last of 2005. It was a strange year, one which saw major changes in my employment, living quarters, relationships, and, perhaps most surprisingly, my entire DNA structure, when the genetic sequencer I assembled in my bathroom from steel wool and some high-grade sourdough starter suddenly sputtered to life, and I became living proof that Intelligent Design would be vastly preferable to Darwinism, if only we could choose the designer (I would recommend someone other than myself).

I don't miss the old me; I do wish the new me didn't reproduce so frequently, but that's all water under the bridge, and the bridge, which is of course the bridge to the 21st century, is here, and I must cross it as it burns beneath me, with my little single-celled offspring clinging like dewdrops to my brightly-scaled and multi-winged back.

It's time for new year's resolutions; I have only one this year, and I invite you to co-resolve: to figure out what kind of new years glasses we will need when we reach the year 2010, and can no longer rely upon a pair of plastic zeroes through which to peer festively at the chaos which surrounds us.